Sand and blood and ghosts

[Atrice]

Was she maybe not dead after all? She could feel Thessala’s warmth, the softness of her lips, she could even taste her. And not just her, to be honest. The blood from the battle had also come on Thessala’s lips, making her even more attractive to Rana. So she was definitely still dead. Or not. She was in between, wasn’t she? A spirit, like Thessala said…

 When the kiss broke, they looked at each other and then Rana had to know what that kiss meant… what it was for. She had a feeling, but she wasn’t sure and she had to hear it said. For some reason, she had to hear it said.

 And Thessala sighed by her question. Rana wanted nothing more but to comfort her, but how could she? Then Thessala spoke. She whispered it, but it sounded so loud to Rana. Rana blinked, but then she smiled. Unable to shed any tears in her odd state of being, she had to do what she could do. It made her feel happy inside. Like something had been released. Thessala apologized but Rana shook her head, there was nothing to apologize for! And she wondered if Rana’s people had a place they went, when they died.

 “There are places for the dead. Among the gods. Or in the underworld.” But it was only people who died fighting, who went to the gods. And Rana, she hadn’t gone anywhere at all. Instead she was here and now she finally knew why. Thessala’s words made her feel so good. And they could only do that, because what Thessala said was what Rana felt.

 “It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Only that… Thessala… I also… love you.”

@Chevi

[Chevi]

“There are places for the dead. Among the gods. Or in the underworld.” 

Where would Rana go? Where would Thessala go?... She'd wondered about that before. It would have been strange if she didn't, given that she fought in the arena and risked her life almost every day. Death had still seemed like a faraway concept, until Rana died. And now Thessala wondered if people with different gods went to different places. Or no place at all. Rana belonged with her gods, if there was a choice. The underworld did not feel like much fun.

 “It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters. Only that… Thessala… I also… love you.”

Thessala sighed again, not trying to hold back the quiet tears anymore. They should have done all this sooner. When Rana was alive. Maybe things would have been different then. But neither of them realized this in time. 

"I don't want you to go." Thessala admitted, looking at Rana as if she was about to disappear. "But... I don't want you to get stuck in-between either. I want you to... I don't know." she sighed.

@Atrice

[Atrice]

Rana did not know where she'd go. Since she had not gone anywhere, she thought that maybe those places where you went, when you died... maybe they were not real at all and this was as far as you went. On the other hand, why then was Rome not populated with spirits like Rana? She had not encountered anyone like herself. Sometimes she had a feeling that something or someone was there, but she had not been approached in any way until Thessala saw her today. And now they were kissing, and talking... could a spirit make love, she wondered? If she could kiss, why not? What she wouldn't give to be the one to make Thessala cry out with pleasure! But she didn't know. 

What she did know was that all that mattered was that Thessala loved her and she loved Thessala. Her lover, because that's what she was now, sighed and... was she crying? She said she did not want Rana to go and didn't want her to be stuck either. 

"I don't want to go either. But... I haven't gone yet." She said and smiled through the odd sadness floating in the air between them. Then she looked up, guards or whatever they were, approached them, probably to pick up Thessala or give her information. Rana moved away from Thessala, but only enough to shrink into the shadow by the wall. She didn't want anyone else but Thessala to see her. She was looking at the stunning gladiatrix though. 

"Wait for me tonight." She said before the people approaching spoke up. She didn't know if she would get another chance now, or ever. But if she could visit Thessala tonight, she would. If she had not faded again. She'd have to find more blood, so she could stay! 

@Chevi

[Chevi]

Footsteps echoed down the hallway; some guards were approaching to escort her back to the ludus. Thessala didn't know whether they could see Rana too. There were so many things she did not know about spirits. Rana melted into the shadows.

"I don't want to go either. But... I haven't gone yet. Wait for me tonight." 

She did. She was taken to the medicos who checked on her injuries and let her go with some salve for her bruises and a few bandages. She had gotten off the fight easy, all things considered. She wondered where Rana had gone as she walked back to her small room in the back of the ludus. Was she drinking more blood in the arena? Everything seemed quiet, even with the dull roar of the games in the distance. Thessala took off her fighting clothes and washed off the paint and the blood, before she fell into bed. The whole thing felt like a dream. Maybe she was still dreaming...

@Atrice

[Atrice]

Rana was near the arena for the rest of the day - these were good games and there was plenty of blood to be had. She thought she sensed other beings, maybe they were much like herself, but there was no contact and besides, all she could think about was Thessala. She promised to come. And she did often drift around at the ludus, because the arena here and the ludus were the only places in Rome where she belonged. It was like she was almost bound to return to those places, always. And especially to Thessala; she was drawn towards the still living gladiatrix like a moth to a flame. The same happened now. The sun went down and she found herself moving into the ludus. The guards didn't see her. Wasn't she... able to be seen? Thessala had seen her. Maybe she could only be seen by those who wanted to or needed to see her?

She found Thessala on her simple bed in her simple room. She'd been cleansed, there was no more blood on her and her clothes had been changed too. But she was there and she loved Rana and Rana loved her. Why hadn't they ever said these things before the earthquake?

Rana watched Thessala quietly at first. She had wondered if they could do anything but kiss, but now she wasn't sure. It had been a few hours since the last blood already. She felt she was fading again.

"Thessala... I am here." She didn't know if she was still visible enough to be seen and heard, but she had to try. 

@Chevi

[Chevi]

"Thessala... I am here." 

It was hard to tell if she imagined the words of heard them. Reality and dream seemed to blend together. Thessala thought that maybe once the rush of the fight ebbed away her brain would right itself... but Rana was there again, looking almost tangible. She sat up an looked at her. She'd never thought she'd get to look at her again.

"I can see you." she said quietly, reaching a hand out to her. "Are you here to say goodbye?"

@Atrice

[Atrice]

It took a few moments, but then Thessala was looking straight at her, as if she could see her. So she could see her, still. Rana wasn't sure for how long though. She didn't know how or why she knew this, but she knew she wasn't as firm as earlier. At least Thessala could see her though and now she said it out loud too. Rana came closer to her, smiling, seeing the hand that was reaching out for her. She touched it. Could Thessala feel it? She could feel Thessala's warmth.

"Maybe?" Rana said, "It is confusing. I am here, but... I sense I may not stay?" She didn't know how she knew this, she just did, "Can you feel my touch? I can feel yours." She asked, standing or floating or at least being present in front of Thessala, who still sat on the bed. She was fierce in the arena, but cleansed and calm as she was now, she was beautiful, Rana thought. She was beautiful and she loved Rana... "I don't want to not be here." She then said, but was it even her choice? And if she wasn't here... where was she going?

@Chevi

[Chevi]

"Maybe? It is confusing. I am here, but... I sense I may not stay?"

She wouldn't. She was dead. Thessala had a moment of weakness when she saw Rana again, and got to say things she could not say before. But she was not naive enough to think that Rana would just stay around forever as if she was alive. Still, she reached out. She'd take all the time they had.

"Can you feel my touch? I can feel yours."

"I can" she nodded with a small smile. It was a faint touch, like before, not a living person's warmth, but it was there. Thessala held Rana's hand, and pulled her to sit on the bed. Could spirits sit? She hoped. She wanted to feel closer to her.

"I don't want to not be here." 

"You can stay as long as you want" Thessala said quietly. It wouldn't be forever, but she would keep her company while it lasted.

@Atrice

[Atrice]

She wasn’t sure how or why, but it was as if something had shifted today. Rana had been around ever since she left her body behind. She’d been watching Thessala and she had been watching people at the ludus, she had been here. And she was still here. But it was as if Thessala seeing her, and talking to her, and the words that were said… it was as if it had done something.

 She wondered if Thessala could even feel her touch now, she didn’t know how visible she was or how long it would remain like this. But she didn’t want to go. She wanted to be right here, with Thessala. Forever. It felt so good and right. Thessala said she could feel her touch and Rana smiled back at her. Then she even felt the other woman pull at her and Rana joined her on the bed. Thessala said she could stay for as long as she wanted.

 “I’m not sure I can. I feel that… I am not the same as this morning.” Rana said, it was so hard to explain this to someone not dead, because there was no way Thessala could know what it was like. To be here and not be here. To feel things but you were unsure how you felt them, because it was more a sensation, a strange kind of tickle or pain, but she had no body to feel it with…

 “It is both good and bad, I guess. That I’m not the same. I think it’s because of you. Because now I know…” I know that you love me… her smile was sad, as she reached a hand up to touch Thessala’s cheek, “I thought I’d come here tonight for something else, but I just want to be near you. As much as I can.”

@Chevi

[Chevi]

Rana was not going to stay. Not forever, clearly, but maybe not even for long. She touched Thessala's cheek and the gladiatrix sighed.

“I thought I’d come here tonight for something else, but I just want to be near you. As much as I can.”

"I'd like that" she nodded. Holding Rana's hand gently, she pulled her down to sit on the bed next to her. Tangible and yet not all there. Thessala wrapped her arms around her. If she had been still alive, maybe she would have never been this openly affectionate. Too late. "I will remember you, Rana. Even when you are gone. I can promise you that much."

@Atrice

[Atrice]

Thessala sighed in a way she'd never heard her do it before, and then said she'd like for Rana to be near her. The next moment Rana was pulled down on the bed next to Thessala and the gladiatrix wrapped her arms around Rana. It was lovely, warm, comforting... she hadn't been held like this since she was forced to leave her home and her lover there. Thessala promised she'd remember her. 

"You're sweet." Rana said with a small grin, "I never knew you could be like this. I kind of wish..." She trailed off, the smile fading... she shook her head, wishing for something that never happened and never would happen was stupid, "It doesn't matter. Wishes don't matter." She wrapped an arm around Thessala too, "I won't forget you either. I don't know what's going to happen now, but... it's all so strange. What do you want to do now?" 

@Chevi

[Chevi]

"You're sweet. I never knew you could be like this. I kind of wish..."

"That I hadn't been an arrogant idiot when you were alive?" Thessala smirked, wrapping her arms around her. In her everyday life, romance and affection had not played a very big part. Pleasure, sure. But this was something that made her feel a lot more vulnerable.

"It doesn't matter. Wishes don't matter. I won't forget you either. I don't know what's going to happen now, but... it's all so strange. What do you want to do now?" 

"Use the time we have left?" she turned her head to kiss Rana again. The urge to kiss here, and the urge to talk more, were equally overwhelming. "How do you want to be remembered?"

@Atrice

[Atrice]

Rana chuckled when Thessala finished her sentence, then she shook her head, "That was not what I would say. I just wish I knew this, before." She said and felt good, with Thessala's arms wrapped around her oddly both firm and soft body. It felt nice, being this close to her. And it had felt good, kissing her earlier. Just like that day in the arena, the day Thessala tried to show it all to her, because it was Rana's first real fight with a huge audience. And Rana didn't get it, but at least she kissed Thessala then. If only she knew what Thessala really felt about her then... but it was too late.

Thessala suggested to use the time they had left and then she felt warm lips against her own. Rana returned it, almost hungrily, as if it would warm her up and bring her back to life... but Thessala broke the kiss, wondering how Rana would be remembered.

"I never knew I had to think about that." She replied, "I guess... I want to not be forgotten. They say that as long as the memory is alive... I am still here, somehow." She said and pressed a hand to Thessala's chest, "I will be here. But now..." She leaned closer, "I am here." And she kissed Thessala again, as if she never wanted to stop again. As if she would never let go again. As if it was the last kiss and she had to make it last. And maybe it was. She closed her eyes, it felt so intense that she almost wanted to cry, if she had any tears to do it with.

@Chevi