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What Could Have Been?


Sara

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Lucius did not really want anything to do with Ovinia's husband, but as a praefectus who was escorting her home, he owed the praetor an explanation. He didn't much play games of politics, but it was easier to be on decent terms with everyone.

At least he did not yell at the child, or his wife, even though he looked clearly miffed.

"And her saviour, I'm also to assume?"

"Lucius Manius Victorius. Praefectus vigilum. An honor to meet you, Praetor Opimius."

"Vigiles? I told my wife not to bother, I thought Tadia wouldn't get far...it seems she thought better." 

"She didn't alert us." Lucius explained lightly. "The girl must have gotten lost, qnd was clever enough to ask for help. It was no bother at all. We are here to serve."

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Ovinia watched her husband's face carefully. He was a consummate politician and he by and large kept up a neutral facade. She'd been his wife for coming up fifteen years now though and could tell he was intrigued. She didn't blame him. The prefect out on patrol was odd and intriguing...if it wasn't Lucius.

"Good." He said with a clipped tone, verging on boredom. She saw some of the tension ease from his shoulders though - just for a moment before he stepped closer to Lucius, speaking in a hushed tone. "And I would appreciate discretion in this matter. My daughter is wilful, but the neighbours don't need to hear that. Understood?" Ovinia rolled her eyes. Always thinking of covering up, of reputation. The very opposite of Lucius really. Chalk and cheese staring at one another. It made Ovinia uncomfortable and she cleared her throat to break the slight bubble of awkward tension in the room. "I should get Tadia to bed properly," The slaves did it most nights but honestly...any excuse to get out of the atrium would suit her, "And we should let the Prefect go back to his work Spurius. He's done enough tonight." She laid a soft hand on her husband's shoulder and he sank into it with a nod. 

"Quite. How does it work? Do we pay you for your services?" Ovinia smothered a groan. Was he really this out of touch?
 

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"And I would appreciate discretion in this matter. My daughter is wilful, but the neighbours don't need to hear that. Understood?" 

"Absolutely." Lucius held the man's gaze calmly. He was used to being talked down to. It was the price he paid for doing what he loved. Most patricians, even the ones running the city, had no idea what all they had the vigiles to thank for.

"I should get Tadia to bed properly. And we should let the Prefect go back to his work Spurius. He's done enough tonight." 

"Quite. How does it work? Do we pay you for your services?"

"No need. The city does." Lucius shook his head. Gods, this man was dense. No wonder Ovinia did not sing his praises. "I should be going, we are still on patrol. Have a good night, paetor." He looked past him at Ovinia and nodded to her too. He did not want to give the impression that they knew each other. "Domina."

This night had not gone the way he thought it would. 
 

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Ovinia paced back and forth outside the barracks, palla pulled up tight to her hair to conceal her face. It was the middle of the day and the area of the city where the vigiles kept their work was busy, and she felt like a fool for even considering coming here. As predicted Spurius had been furious at the involvement of the city's watch with their errant daughter. He had shouted until he had virtually fallen asleep, and despite Ovinia trying to assuage him with the truth (that Tadia really had run into them coincidentally and no she hadn't gone against his wishes about involving them), Spurius hadn't believed her.

Her husband wasn't a bad man, not really. He never beat her or anything of the sort but the longer their marriage wore on, the more he felt like a stranger to her. He didn't take her opinions or views on anything, he didn't check in on her welfare more than a cursory 'what's the matter?' every now and again, and he certainly didn't care to learn who her friends and acquaintances were. That was a mercy, given he didn't know or hadn't bothered to remember her connection with Lucius' birth familia. 

Before she lost her nerve she ducked into the barracks. It was quiet - most of the vigiles worked at night, she knew that, and so only a few men milled around casting her confused glances. She'd tried to dress as plainly as she could without arousing suspicion from her family but she was still a Patrician and the cut and colour and quality of her clothes and jewellery belied her wealth. "Can I help you domina?" A gruff man behind a desk queried with confusion. "I'm here to see the Prefect. I've come to personally thank him for his help the other day." Her body slave shifted awkwardly behind Ovinia's shoulder, but Lucia was a good woman and a faithful one. She wouldn't say a word of this to anybody. The man narrowed his eyes and then barked an order at a young lad to show Ovinia through the building. "He might be busy..." The gruff man clarified, "But Gaius will show you up." 

Ovinia nodded her thanks and set off with the boy through the winding corridors. It smelt like smoke and...men. She wrinkled her nose. To think Lucius threw away his life for this. Soon they were at the door to what she presumed was Lucius' office. The boy bid her wait and knocked quickly and hurried inside. There was a conversation going on on the other side but Ovinia couldn't hear it. Eventually, after what felt like an age, the door creaked open and Ovinia blinked into the sunlight. 

 

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Meeting Ovinia the previous night had rattled Lucius more that he liked to admit. She had been a part of his distant past, but an important part. And maybe not as distant as it seemed. He remembered her as a young woman with a sharp tongue and firm opinions, and the few times they had spent time together had been... would have held the promise of something more. If either of them got the chance.

Shaking off the what ifs, Lucius focused on the day's work. He reluctantly wrote some letters and some reports, inspected gear, and then retired to his office. Later in the evening he was supposed to report to the Palatine, and he was not in a mood for it. His dress uniform was already laid out on the small bed he kept in the corner of his office. Not very professional, but very practical, given how often he spent the night there.

Gaius knocked an entered, telling him a lady was there to see him. He knew who she was before she entered; noblewomen did not frequent the barracks. Gaius was a bright lad and he had some concerns, but Lucius told him to occupy his mind in another direction, and make sure no one came nosing around.

Then he took a seat at his desk and pretended to work.

Ovinia entered,  looking every bit as uncomfortable as expected.

"Well, that's something I thought I'd never see" Lucius smiled at her as he looked up from his desk. "Did your daughter make a run for it again?"

 

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Ovinia arched a brow, confidence growing as she saw him. “What?” She said with that Ovinia-classic drawl, “You don’t have frequent female visitors? Colour me surprised.” The comment on his potential children yesterday played on her mind. 

“No. I’ve put a lock on the door.” Well…she hadn’t, a slave had. Still. She made no move to sit down and instead stood awkwardly in front of his desk, like a girl being told off by her betters. She felt about as prepared as one. Clearing her throat and dropping her palla from her head she shrugged. “I came to extend my thanks. You could have made it awkward,” Or more awkward than it already was, “With Spurius. And you didn’t. He doesn’t know about Gaius,” Lucius’ brother was a sore point for her, “And doesn’t keep up with gossip enough to know about you and your misdeeds.”

 

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“What? You don’t have frequent female visitors? Colour me surprised.” 

And they were back to the banter, just like that. Lucius smirked at her. Her awkwardness always disappeared when she decided to get pissed instead.

"Not patrician women, no."

Lucius did not usually bring any women to the barracks, really, not for the reasons she implied. He had a house for that. But many people knew when to find him when they needed help, men and women alike.

Ovinia didn't need help. He doubted the lock would keep her daughter inside for long, though. 

“I came to extend my thanks. You could have made it awkward... With Spurius. And you didn’t. He doesn’t know about Gaius. And doesn’t keep up with gossip enough to know about you and your misdeeds.”

"Me and my misdeeds, keeping the city safe" Lucius echoed, with a grin. He finally stood from the desk, because it was less awkward that way. "You are welcome." He meant it. He really would not have done anything different. "Would you like some wine? You have walked a long way for a thank you..."

 

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She made a face of disgust and let out an 'ugh' sound. She could infer exactly what sort of women visited him here. The same sort her husband hired for parties or came back smelling of after a night with his friends. Her contempt was only thinly veiled. 

"Our slave got mugged a few weeks ago," she said flippantly and moved to look down out of the window to the training ground below - looking anywhere but his face. "Not keeping it that safe, Prefect."

She nodded silently at his offer. She really should have said no, that she had other business and would be on her way, but she didn't want to. Life for a woman like Ovinia - married to a man of middling ambition - was monotonous to the extreme. She saw the same people, relived the same conversations over and over again. Lucius was the first new...or new in a sense person that she'd spoken to in well...it must have been years. Gods how depressing. She wasn't going to let go of any excitement in her day, no matter how much she rationally should. 

"I'm very thankful." she scoffed by way of an explanation with an eye roll, but her gaze was still trained out of his window. "You seem in your element here. It suits you." And that was infuriating, for reasons she couldn't explain. 

 

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"Our slave got mugged a few weeks ago. Not keeping it that safe, Prefect."

"Hence my trip to the Palatine for funding" Lucius quipped, nodding at the dress uniform on the bed. The vigiles had never been perfect, and they had a long way to go. But hey, they were not actively looting the city and killing patricians, so he considered his work a definite improvement.

He moved to a side table that held a jug of watered wine and some cups, in case guests made an appearance. He ignored the eye rolling. She could think whatever she wanted of him. He was beyond caring about his reputation.

"I'm very thankful. You seem in your element here. It suits you." 

"Thank you." he was more genuine this time. He really felt like he was in the place he needed to be. It had cost him a lot, but it was infinitely better than sitting among the senators talking about nothing. 

He filled two cups, and walked around the desk to hand one to her. "To be honest, I was not sure I'd make it this far. But it's good work. I meant it, it was worth it." he paused. "Well. Most of it."

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She let awkwardness fill the air, feeling irritation bubble in her blood. She bit down on her tongue to keep from quipping that 'as long as you're happy, fuck everybody else, right?' but that would be harsh. She didn't know why she was so annoyed to see him flourishing. Perhaps it was because she wasn't. 

Instead she plastered a polite smile on her face. "Ah," She chuckled as she took the wine - glancing at his face just for a moment, head tilted to the side as she studied him, "Such little faith in yourself." She shook her head, "I could see this coming from a mile off. You - leading them." She gestured to the training ground below. "But don't take that as a compliment. I think it speaks more to the fact that you never did like being bossed around by somebody else. Not your brother, not me...She chuckled humourlessly and took a sip of wine. It wasn't the best but it wasn't the worst. Evidently he'd not lost all of his noble sensibilities and gone for cheap wine. 

"What's next after this? Praetorian guard, perhaps?" 

 

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"Ah. Such little faith in yourself. I could see this coming from a mile off. You - leading them."

"I'm flattered." he followed her glance at the training ground below. Most of the vigiles were out of sight this time of the day, but some were running errands around the barracks.

"But don't take that as a compliment. I think it speaks more to the fact that you never did like being bossed around by somebody else. Not your brother, not me..." 

"How is that not a compliment?" he smirked, sipping wine from his own cup. Gaius eventually learned to give in, convinced by the work he had done as a tribune with the vigiles. His brother was old fashioned, but he wanted what was good for the city. And Lucius.

As for Ovinia...

"What's next after this? Praetorian guard, perhaps?" 

"So I can stand guard for imperials instead of everyone else?" he chuckled, shaking his head. "Nothing after this, if I'm lucky. I either retire to the country, or some building collapses on my head eventually. Up to the gods."

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"Careful," She said in warning but her voice was light, amused almost, "It almost sounds as if you don't think the Imperials are more important than us." She shook her head. "Tsk." 

She chose not to respond to his flippant comment about a building coming down on his head, feeling her stomach lurch at the mere thought of it. It made her frown though and she glanced sideways at him. "I thought the Prefect was supposed to stay out of the way? Get his freedmen to do all the running into buildings and catching thieves?" She rolled her eyes with a scoff, "Why am I not surprised you ignore that." She shook her head and wound an arm over her waist - the other still loosely holding the wine she was sipping at. "There has to be more to life than simply playing the hero though." She commented, although didn't exactly expect a response. Maybe this was enough for him. That thought was wounding. 

 

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"Careful. It almost sounds as if you don't think the Imperials are more important than us."

"Do I?" he quirked an eyebrow at her, chuckling. Honestly, he did not think so. The imperials kept the empire running, but in the end, it was the people that made it work. And when violence broke out, it did not matter what rank someone was born into. Not to him.

"I thought the Prefect was supposed to stay out of the way? Get his freedmen to do all the running into buildings and catching thieves? Why am I not surprised you ignore that."

"No one wants to be sent into a burning building by someone who stays back." Lucius pointed out. He had learned that early on. His people would have followed him into literal fire. Because he usually went in first.

"There has to be more to life than simply playing the hero though."

"Is there?" he looked at her, folding his arms and holding his cup aloft. What was her problem with his choice of work? It sounded like she was pissed at all of his choices, and he was not sure why. "Do share."

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"It was a question, not a statement." She snapped with a little glare in his direction. She could feel herself getting riled up like she did when she was younger. It was much less frequent now - she often had very little recourse to get angry or annoyed, after all, with a life as monotonous as her own. 

"You don't want any more than you already have? The threat of looming death and no advancement?" She scoffed and shook her head, "Not a wife? Not children? Not to travel or try your hand at..." She frowned, trying to dredge up a conversation from a lifetime ago, "Apple picking? Or wine making? What happened to your sense of adventure, Prefect Ros...Prefect Victorius?" She took a deep sip of wine, irritated by how on edge she already was. 

 

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"It was a question, not a statement." 

Ovinia seemed... annoyed. Almost angry. He knew his last comment had stung her, since the night before she had described her life as very uch ordinary. And now for some reason she was all riled up to question him about...

"You don't want any more than you already have? The threat of looming death and no advancement? Not a wife? Not children? Not to travel or try your hand at... Apple picking? Or wine making? What happened to your sense of adventure, Prefect Ros...Prefect Victorius?"

Lucius stared at her, a little taken aback by her tirade. He was surprised she remembered all those things about him, all these years. But also...

"Are you... angry at me?" he asked, not sure what to make of her flushed cheeks "I don't understand you, Ovinia. Everything I say seems to piss you off, and yet you come here to... what? What did I do?"

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"I don't know why I came here." She snapped with a glare. Yes she was angry. She was angry for some inexplicable reason that made her feel nauseous. She was jealous. It was quite that simple. He had everything he'd wanted. He'd given up everything he had, turned his back on honour and friends and family and he'd succeeded in life. She'd done what she was told, she'd stuck by every rule she'd been given - smiled when asked, nodded when told to, said yes on the day of her wedding and she was...miserable. 

"It's not fair." She choked out, annoyed and pushed herself away from the window, away from him, to round his desk and slump in his seat. "You're so happy," She shook her head, "And yet you spat in the face of your family and...well...everything." She glared at him, "How is it fair that you get to have all of this?" She waved a hand around his office. "Maybe you don't have everything though," She shook her head with a grim look, "All of this and nobody  to share it with." 

 

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"It's not fair."

Lucius stared, stunned, as she walked away and sat down. What was not fair?...

"You're so happy. And yet you spat in the face of your family and...well...everything. How is it fair that you get to have all of this?"

Becaus she didn't. Lucius realized, with  asinking feeling in his stomach, that Ovinia was angry because she was jealous. Of him. Out of all people.

"Maybe you don't have everything though. All of this and nobody  to share it with." 

He stared at her, at a loss of words for the first time in a long time. Her words stung, but not for the reason she had intended.

"You... envy me?" He blinked, shaking his head. "But... you said your life was good."

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"It is good." She snapped defensively.

The first few years she had tried to complain to her friends, to her brothers, that she wasn't happy but she'd always been cold-shouldered; told that Spurius was a good man and she'd grow into her marriage. Then as the years slipped by and the problems mounted with conceding a child both before and after Tadia, she'd been told in no uncertain terms that she was unlikely to find another man to have her, and Spurius was doing her a great honour not to divorce her. She had - since that mind - slowly tried to convince herself that she could be happy with the drudgery and the boredom of her life. She almost believed it, until she was confronted by a ghost from her past - stood in front of her now - who reminded her very clearly that she wasn't. 

"It's just irritating." She swallowed, trying to keep her anger going rather than upset, "To see you having everything when you don't deserve it." She shook her head. That was cruel, and unfair. He'd evidently worked hard. But she was in no mood to admit that yes, she was jealous and yes she was not happy. 

 

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That last response shocked Lucius. He had known Ovinia to be sarcastic, pissy, stubborn, even critical, but not cruel. She looked miserable in that moment. Lucius set his cup down, walking around the desk and leaning back against it, looking at her from the side.

"Why exactly?" He asked. "I don't deserve it because I am not a patrician anymore? Or because I am not married to a nice young woman? Or because I'm not working my way up to consul?..." he gave her a long, questioning look. "I don't think your problem is with me, Ovinia."

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"All of the above." She retorted, staring straight ahead and not looking at him. Her jaw was set and she was glaring daggers at his door. She should leave. She really shouldn't be here - not in this mood, and his company was only making it worse. Not that it was necessarily his fault. He hit the nail on the head when he said that her problem wasn't with him. He was right, it wasn't. 

She ground down on her teeth and exhaled sharply through her nose, still refusing to look at him. "It's different for you." She said after a moment of quiet. "It's different for men. You have until your dying breath to make your life however you want it." She shook her head, "I'm just slowly coming to the realisation that my best years were a decade and a bit ago." And you didn't want me then either. She finally looked at him with a smug, if not weak smile, "That's all. I meant no offence." She did. She had wanted to wound him, like she felt wounded. She retook her cup and took a long, heavy sip. 

 

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Lucius' heart sank as he looked at her. To him, she was still as she had been all those years before, beautiful and spirited. But maybe he saw that because she spoke up more once he pissed her off... either way, the fight went out of her with a huff and a half apology.

"I don't think that's true" he noted quietly. "I mean, yes, it's true for most men. But I don't think your best years are behind you. You are still as I remember you. At least when you are pissed at me." He added with a small smile. "But also, I have seen you with your daughter. You make a good mother. And probably a formidable matron." Gods help anyone she decided to ruin. Lucius picked up his cup to drink. "You know, I never found put why you didn't marry Gaius."

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She scoffed and rolled her eyes at his claim she was as he remembered her. She didn't believe that for a second, and it was depressing. The comment on motherhood stung as well and she visibly winced, with a shake of her head. "It was...I was supposed to have more than Tadia." Things might have been easier had she had her desired five or six children. She'd have more to occupy her time and her mind with. "But I am formidable." She said with a sad, shadow of a smile. 

His question should have been expected and she had prepared an answer for it. Years ago, when she thought he might actually ask. Now what did it matter? Why dredge up old wounds? She cast him a glance, as if asking him if he was really that oblivious. It turned out he was and her sad smile became more hollow and a sigh fell through her lips. "He was too good for me," She drank deeply from her cup - speaking into it as she finished her sentence, "And there was somebody I liked better." She let out a sigh and shook her head, "But I was foolish and young. I have to live with that regret. What regrets do you have, Lucius?" She turned her face up to his in challenge.

 

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"It was...I was supposed to have more than Tadia. But I am formidable." 

Well, this conversation had taken a depressing turn. There was really nothing to say to her about having more children. Roman women usually planned their lives in certain ways, and if that narrow way failed, they were adrift, more than any man. Lucius had often wondered if both their lives would have been different if she had married Gaius.

"He was too good for me. And there was somebody I liked better."

Lucius froze, watching her as she emptied her cup. The way she had said that confused him. Was she implying...? He shook his head. Why would she? After all these years?

"But I was foolish and young. I have to live with that regret. What regrets do you have, Lucius?"

He stared into his own cup as if he could find the words for an answer. One of them had to make a step first and neither was fully willing to do it. Ovinia was already resentful towards him for his life turning out for the better, even if not completely so.

"I regret not asking you to not marry my brother."

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"Ah." she said with resignation and a smirk, "There we go then." She shook her head and took another sip of the wine. She wished she had a full cup. 

"But it's far too late isn't it." That wasn't a question and she swallowed the lump in her throat. "Even after I chose no to agree to the match, you made your choice." She flicked her eyes up, accusation burning hot in them. "Maybe that's why I'm not quite so happy for you as I ought to be." She swallowed and shook her head, setting the empty cup on the edge of his desk, fingers playing over it distractedly. "We were young, and stupid and...it was probably for the best you did what you did." For you at least

 

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"Ah. There we go then." 

There they were. Two lives, and a moment missed so badly it came back to haunt them fifteen years later. Lucius emptied his cup too, and wished he could have more.

"But it's far too late isn't it. Even after I chose no to agree to the match, you made your choice. Maybe that's why I'm not quite so happy for you as I ought to be."

She had broken the engagement soon after he decided to join the vigiles, but things were already in motion by then. He was taken up by the excitement of finding a third way, a calling that did not send him to the senate or the legions. The prince was that he had to leave his familia. And that had left her out of reach forever.

"We were young, and stupid and...it was probably for the best you did what you did."

"One of us would have lost." he said quietly, setting his cup down. "That's what I thought at the time." He would have had to return to the ranks of the patricians and choose a different life, to even have a chance. "But let's face it, even if I had stayed a patrician, I wasn't exactly the best match..." he chuckled sadly, shaking his head. "You thought Gaius was too good for you. Ironic, isn't it?"

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