Once, on Saturnalia eve...

[Chevi]

"You don't understand. You said it wasn't your fault that people like me don't get to do what  they want, remember?"

He recalled their fight in the street with clarity; it was pretty much burned into his brain, even if Titus had not reminded him every other day. It had been a pretty spectacular fight, made all the more baffling because he still had no idea why it was a fight at all. "I didn't..."

"It's still true. I don't get to do what I want. I get to say no, or yes, but that's it. I might deserve a husband that... Treasures me. Doesn't mean that's what I'll get."

He sighed. She was not wrong, but now it was going to be his fault forever if she ended up with an asshole for a husband. The laugh was surprising, though; did she think it was that ridiculous that someone would think she was that important...? Finally, she took pity on him. Which was probably worse.

"It's not all your fault. Mostly it is. You need to know that, but not all. I was never... I was never convinced your brother was the right man for me." 

Lucius blinked. Wait, what?

"Why not?" And what was the right man like, anyway, if not Gaius?...

 

[Sara]

That was the million sestercii question wasn't it? Why not? "I don't know." Was the only answer she could give, because honestly, resolutely, to her core she didn't know. He was perfect on paper. He promised her everything she thought she wanted, and it hadn't been enough. It was confounding and painful and she didn't know why it was not what she wanted anymore. 

"I don't know...I don't know..." She groaned audibly and gently hit her head against the wall behind her as if it would knock some sense into herself. "The last time we met he said he would give me all I wanted...a family, children, a good life...but I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn't get rid of that it wasn't enough." She fluttered her eyes shut as people jostled past them. "I don't know what's wrong with me." But whatever it was, she wanted it to stop. 

Somebody stepped on her foot as  they followed the music and she protested with an "Ow!" - at least that broke the tension. A little. 

 

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[Chevi]

"I don't know. I don't know...I don't know..."

Ovinia looked frustrated. Exasperated. Lost. This was not generally the Saturnalia mood one was going for. She should have been celebrating, with or without her family. On the other hand, Lucius was intrigued now. Maybe if there was another reason she did not want to marry Gaius, it really was not all his fault... or at least he did not irreversibly break two lovers apart.

"The last time we met he said he would give me all I wanted...a family, children, a good life...but I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach that I couldn't get rid of that it wasn't enough... I don't know what's wrong with me." 

Lucius gave her a long look. Something just clicked, and it almost made him smile, because it was so not the usual Ovinia, and yet... very true. Someone jostled them again and she yelped.

"Make way for the Princeps Of Saturnalia!" someone yelled, and people cheered.

"I think I do." he said, before he could think about it. It probably came out way wrong.

[Sara]

"Oh?" She said with a scoff-laugh-choke hybrid that was most definitely unattractive but very much resonant with her continued despair at the man next to her, and the situation. 

"Care to enlighten me? It's been weeks and I don't understand." She shook her head and winced as she rolled her foot, glaring at the passers by and the aforementioned Princeps. Fucking Saturnalia. "Not that it matters anyway." She muttered with a shake of her head and a groan of frustration, "My Father let me off with Gaius because you were also a factor, you made it an easy choice to say no. I'm not so sure I'll have the same opportunity with the next man." 

 

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[Chevi]

"Oh? Care to enlighten me? It's been weeks and I don't understand."

It was kind of obvious, though. So much so that Lucius was fairly sure she would punch him square in the face if he said it out loud.

"Not that it matters anyway. My Father let me off with Gaius because you were also a factor, you made it an easy choice to say no. I'm not so sure I'll have the same opportunity with the next man." 

"I don't know, my reputation is pretty toxic. I am sure I can ruin any man if I want to." It was a joke, but he suddenly felt lighter. Ovinia was frustrated, angry, and even sad, but she was at least not heartbroken. Lucius shook his head. "You're gonna kick me again if I tell you what I think."

[Sara]

"Shut up." She mumbled with a glare in his direction. He was trying to be funny again, but it wasn't working. Not really anyway. He looked a little less...ill now though. It was irritating and she frowned. Why was she always the last to know anything? 

"I'll kick you if you don't tell me." She countered with a glare. "And I have an injured foot, so you know I'm being serious" 

 

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[Chevi]

"Fine, fine" he held up his hands in defense, narrowly avoiding hitting someone in the face as they hurried by. There was more singing and more cheers, which made having a conversation a tad more difficult. He flattened his back against the wall too.

"At the risk of sounding like a poet: I think you didn't want to marry my brother because you didn't love him." It did sound ridiculous, especially in the context of talking about matches between patrician families. "You want the fancy life, the domus, the children, the social standing, the respect. But you, Ovinia Camilla, also want to be in love."

She was a nineteen year old woman. of course she did.

[Sara]

"I..." She did. She did want to be in love. Whatever love was or felt like or whatever. Obviously. Her cheeks burned bright red. 

"Don't be stupid." She said with a petulant glare. "Love grows in a marriage, not before." She thought she'd felt it once, glimpsed it, with Decimus. But it had been months since she'd seen him and absence hadn't made the heart grow fonder. She had thought he was what she wanted, that the equite with his easy grin and knowing glance at her figure was what would be her future. She'd even taken the notion to her father, that was how serious she was, but it had come to nothing and as the seasons had begun to change and new fancies and confounding, confusing feelings had filled her mind and her body, Decimus began to lose his appeal. 

"It doesn't matter anyway." She huffed and flattened herself further into the wall as the last bulge of the crowd began to surge past them. "You don't marry for love in my class. Remember?" 

 

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[Chevi]

"I... Don't be stupid. Love grows in a marriage, not before." 

"That is objectively not true. History would be a lot more boring if it was." he pointed out. All the famous love stories, myths of lovers and legends of affairs that ruined kingdoms and inspired poets? None of that was marriage stuff. Ovinia might have been more sheltered than he'd given her credit for.

"It doesn't matter anyway. You don't marry for love in my class. Remember?" 

"I never said you wanted to marry for love. I said you wanted to be in love." he pointed out. "Which makes sense, really, because who doesn't? I was just pointing out that that was what you were missing from the picture of the perfect match. Love. And probably desire." he shrugged.

 

[Sara]

Ovinia didn't even attempt to suppress her eye roll. "Who doesn't? So you want to be in love? With your prostitute?" It was a low, easy blow, but she felt flustered and unsure of herself, as if she was walking on a rocking ship which she couldn't settle. 

She felt unbelievably uncomfortable and visibly squirmed away from the wall, into the mass of the crowd as she began to slowly - in between the bodies of revellers - walk towards Melissa's place. She couldn't believe she was discussing this. With him. She also couldn't believe how right he was. "Shut up." She called out to him as she began the slow walk in the crowd, not bothering to check if he was joining her. Her burned hand got knocked by a fellow walks and she winced, hissing in pain. "I'm not speaking about this with you." It was excruciating enough to have a discussion with Alexius, who was the most open and unpretentious man in the world. "You really want to talk about whether I desired your brother?" 

 

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[Chevi]

"Who doesn't? So you want to be in love?"

"Yes." Obviously. Everyone did. Sure, love was a mess, made people into idiots, and was frustrating and exhausting but...

"With your prostitute?" 

"No! What?... No." Ovinia started walking, and Lucius followed, because he did not want to lose her in the crowd. She got a head start because her question stunned him. Why would he...?

"Shut up. I'm not speaking about this with you. You really want to talk about whether I desired your brother?" 

"... gods, no." he frowned, keeping up with her and being jostled too. As a rule, he never wanted to think about his brother's love life, let alone his love life with... Ovinia. Whose love life he also did not want to... "You asked. For what it's worth, a marriage is probably a lot easier if you are actually attracted to the other person. Keep that on your list."

[Sara]

She was tall for a woman but still had to tilt her head to look up at his face and shoot him a glare. Which she did. With gusto. "Thank you, noted. I presume you're basing this advice off lived experience?" She arched a brow and kept his gaze, even as they were jostled. 

She didn't want to think about his love life. He already made her feel woefully uncomfortable, whether he meant to or not, and thinking about his lived experience only tightened the knot in her stomach. "Don't answer that. I don't want  to know." She demanded with a shake of her head. He'd known that prostitute at the party. That was what had made her so uncomfortable, she realised with a sickening feeling. It's why she'd been so bothered that she'd asked and harangued poor Alexius. Why she cared so much though...that was an enigma. 

"Unfortunately my options for attractive wealthy Senators in their thirties and forties who I love are limited. So it probably won't go on my list." Her hand was knocked again and she smothered a mewl of pain by pressing her lips together firmly. 

 

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[Chevi]

"Thank you, noted. I presume you're basing this advice off lived experience?" 

"Of what?" Was she asking if he had ever been in love? Or felt desire? Or if he had ever married for either of those...?

"Don't answer that. I don't want  to know."

"Whatever." They moved on through the crowd. At least she knew where she was going. Kind of.

"Unfortunately my options for attractive wealthy Senators in their thirties and forties who I love are limited. So it probably won't go on my list." 

"Never hurts to hope" he smirked. Maybe there was a senator like that out there. "And if a middle aged senator in a toga doesn't sweep you off your feet, you can just be one of those matrons who take a lover..."

Too far, Lucius. Way too far.

[Sara]

"Hope is foolishness." She shook her head, interrupting him mid sentence, before letting him continue. Was he purposefully trying to drive her insane? Probably. Did he not realise that with his brother, the fire, the injury, the crowds, her family, and seeing him that she wasn't in the mood for his irreverent jokes and idealistic view of the world? Was he that self-absorbed. 

"Grow up." She moved to shove him as hard as she could with one, functioning, un-crisped hand and sped up her pace. She might have been tall but she was willowy and quick on her feet (trampled though they might be) and compared to his bulk she could duck and dive between the crowds quicker and more nimbly than he could. She found herself purposefully separated from him and in a throng of plebeians she didn't know before she had a chance to react properly and realise what an utterly, utterly stupid idea that had been. She looked around but couldn't see him and felt her heart begin to hammer against her chest. Idiot, idiot, idiot, idiot. 

 

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[Chevi]

Ovinia shoved him with considerable force. Lucius blinked, surprised, and stumbled into someone, losing his balance for a moment. She took the opportunity to bolt away from him, getting lost in the crowds.

"Ovinia!"

She was tall, but so were many other people. It was not easy to spot anyone.

Somewhere up ahead in the procession, people cheered again. The princeps of Saturnalia made declarations that everyone had to follow; so far, it seemed like he had told everyone to drink. As if they needed to be told.

"Ovinia?..."

[Sara]

She heard her name be called but over the din of the crowds, she couldn't place where it came from. She reached up to stand on our tiptoes to try and see Lucius but couldn't. She felt her throat go dry as everybody around her downed from their wineskins and cup, spilling droplets of viscous wine on her skin. She winced. 

"And once you've filled your bellies!" A voice, merry and loud called from somewhere up near the front of the crowd and she strained to hear it over the music and the laughter, "Fill your lips! Kiss your lover! Kiss your neighbour! Kiss your enemy! Kiss for the King of Saturnalia!" A racuous cheer went up throughout the people near to her and she was jostled between elbows and armpits and winecups. 

Somebody snaked an arm and a hand round her waste, grin on his face as he leaned in for a kiss having withdrew from another partner. She shrieked and stamped down hard with her foot. "LUCIUS!" The man blinked, confused, out of his wits with wine and tried again. 

 

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[Chevi]

Oh the crowds were properly riled up now. Wine was almost tangible in the air, and no one really cared much for everyone else around them. Did Ovinia lose him on purpose? She had not looked very comfortable with the crods before. Or the plebs in general. Lucius craned his neck, trying to spot her. He caught a glimpse of dark hair and the sound of her voice, but it was hard to make his way towards her.

"And once you've filled your bellies! Fill your lips! Kiss your lover! Kiss your neighbour! Kiss your enemy! Kiss for the King of Saturnalia!" 

"Oh fu..."

A woman spun towards him with a merry grin. She was pretty, with freckles, normally he would have been all for this, because of the rules of Saturnalia. Everyone around him was suddenly kissing, then swapping partners, and kissing gain. Except for one person who was shrieking.

Dammit.

He ducked away from a woman, and while everyone stopped moving for a moment, lunged through the crowd, just in time to see someone grabbing for Ovinia.

"LUCIUS!"

"Kiss for the king!"

Another woman spun towards him, freshly kissed and smiling, wreathed in flowers. 

"I'm sorry, there you go." Lucius acted mostly on instinct, grabbing her by the shoulder and spinning her on, into the man that was leaning towards Ovinia. Once they collided he moved too, finally grabbing hold of Ovinia around the waist and turning her, although people around them were definitely not done picking new partners to kiss. Dammit. Someone already pulled on his shoulder. "Sorry." He did the only thing left to do, and leaned down, kissing Ovinia. 

She was most definitely, decidedly, 100% going to murder him for this.

[Sara]

She didn't want to kiss the grinning lout who was ducking for her lips, despite her fervent stamp onto his toes. But then he was gone, bound up in the arms of a young blonde woman and she was gone too, another arm around her waist pulling her away, spinning her until she was face to face with somebody ten minutes ago she would have dreaded seeing. Now she was just relieved. 

She felt another hand on her shoulder, trying to tug her away as people cheered and kissed and laughed in unison. Lucius' hands stayed firmly where they were though. And then she heard an apology and blinked up, confused before her vision was clouded with his head coming down to hers. Oh. 

Oh. 

She'd been kissed before. Twice. Two snatched moments with a man she had wanted to marry, who had convinced her their lives were inseparable. But they had been snatched, quick moments in the corridor as he left her fathers house, not this in a crowd surrounded by Saturnalia revellers.

She kissed him back though, just for a few heartbeats. She'd blame it on the rush of emotions if he pressed her; relief at seeing him, coupled with annoyance and anger and fear at being stranded in this place. When she withdrew her eyes were still closed and her lips were still parted and she was...frowning. 

Oh. 

She cracked one eye and then another to see him looking at her. She felt another tug on her shoulder and somebody else's hands vying for her waist. 

"We should go to Melissa's." 

 

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[Chevi]

Lucius had not been planning on kissing his brother's almost-bride in the middle of the street. This had not been a plan, or even an idea. Especially because said almost-bride was Ovinia Camilla, someone who had already physically assaulted him twice in one hour.

And yet, here he was kissing her.

And damn, it felt good.

The realization shot through his entire body, as she kissed him back. She kissed him back. The kiss had started out as an excuse, trying to find a stable point in the Saturnalia madness - but now it felt like something he desperately wanted. His arm pulled her closer, and he tilted his head into the kiss for another moment. Or two.

She pulled back soon enough. Lucius looked down at her, dazed.

Shit. Vibia was right.

"We should go to Melissa's." 

She didn't hit him. Or yell at him, or knee him between the legs. It took Lucius a moment to find his bearings and realize that she was... pretending it didn't happen? Lucius swallowed.

"Is it bad that I want to... do that agai..."

"My turn!" a young man yelled next to them, and Lucius looked up to glare at him. "Get lost!"

[Sara]

"Is it bad that I want to... do that agai..."

No. Because I do too. 

She was grateful for the interruption of another young man, even if he was pawing at her shoulder. Lucius arm was still around her waist though, holding her steady. She ignored the frisson of something that ran the length of her spine. Oh. Her conversation with Alexius made sense. Oh. 

"Yes." Yes it was bad or yes she wanted to do it again too? She didn't know. Both. Neither.

She swallowed, regaining her senses slowly, one at a time, little by little. "Y-Yes, we need to go. Now." She moved her good hand to pry his arm from her waist but didn't let go of his hand as she tried to find a route through the crowd. She didn't even know how long she'd been out of the house but she knew the minutes were ticking down. She still didn't let go of his hand though. Her fingers wound through his instead as she managed to make her way to the edge of the crowd, her senses scattered. 

 

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[Chevi]

The young man did the reasonable thing and got lost before he would have gotten punched in the nose. Lucius still watched Ovinia intently, holding her close as the crowd started moving again.

"Yes." 

Yes what?!

"Y-Yes, we need to go. Now." 

Oh.

She stepped back from his embrace and he immediately missed her. She did not let go of his hand, though, so they wove their way through the crowd together. He followed, letting her find the street they needed to turn onto, out of the main procession, to find the... food place. His mind was still trying to catch up, but his emotions were already way ahead of themselves. Gods dammit all, he wanted to kiss her again. He wanted... he needed to get his head on straight. One did not go around kissing patrician girls, especially not when one was not a patrician anymore, especially not if when the girl had been almost engaged to one's brother, especially...

Oh, dammit.

[Sara]

He was silent, which she didn't take as a good sign. Not that she really noticed herself, mind. Her own thoughts were circling and swirling and the knot that had sat in her chest and her belly for weeks had tightened around her until it felt like she might snap. 

The streets were still busy, which would be her excuse for why she kept onto his hand should he ask, but as she slowed to a side street she still didn't let go, even as the revellers thinned out and she could have. She slowed again, to a stop and spun on her heel. The silence of the minute or so walk to get here hadn't done her much good. It certainly hadn't calmed her and she was back to being indignant-Ovinia.

"I thought you hated me?" She choked. "You're always so awful to me." 

 

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[Chevi]

They managed to get out of the worst of the crowd, and turn a corner before Ovinia rounded on him. Lucius, a little late, braced himself again for being punched, or kicked, or maimed. Or worse... rejected.

"I thought you hated me? You're always so awful to me." 

"I'm awful to you?" he gasped, not sure how to respond. "It's not like you have been very friendly to me either!"

Vibia somewhere in the distance was having the gods smile on her. Just because she acts like she hates you... Lucius ran his free hand through his hair. He couldn't even blame the wine. He had not had any.

[Sara]

She had been awful, but she maintained that she'd only done so because he had started it. He'd started it with the singing and the pranks at Neptuanlia and that awkward, awful dinner with their brothers. He'd teased her at the party with Vibia present and been - frankly - a selfish shit when she'd seen his choice first hand outside the smouldering insula. 

"You started it!" It was the most ridiculous, adolescent comeback she could have thought of and she finally released the grip on his hand, throwing it and her maimed one up in frustration. "Y-you baited me into singing that day and have made my life miserable since! Had you been normal and nice that dinner with your brother would have been fine and you wouldn't have run away to ruin your life and mine and we...I might be happily married by now!" or at least she would have been married. Gaius was too good for her though, she maintained that. 

 

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[Chevi]

"You started it!"

"I... how?!"

"Y-you baited me into singing that day and have made my life miserable since! Had you been normal and nice that dinner with your brother would have been fine and you wouldn't have run away to ruin your life and mine and we...I might be happily married by now!" 

Unbelievable. The woman was unbe-fucking-lievable. Lucius was at a loss of words for a few moments, staring at her with his mouth agape as she blamed him for... basically everything. He shook his head.

"So, what? I made you sing a song, and play at a festival, and made a few jokes, and now your entire life is my fault, or are you just yelling at me because you hated it that the kiss was that good?"