In this together

[Sara]

Charis' lips parted at his question, her smaller hand enveloped in his. Peregrinus had been an accident - an unhappy one at that. Her first child, the one she had lost on the roads from Britannia had been as well. She had never planned her family, she had just dealt with what the Gods had given her to cope with. Was he asking? 

She swallowed and nodded. She could only answer genuinely, she was certain Tertius could sniff out a lie at a hundred paces. "Yes. I miss it." Her smile softened and she gestured her head back at the blanket as she retook her seat, eyes moving back up to stare at the clouds in the sky as she sighed. "I do not miss pregnancy," She admitted with a little chuckle, "Or the pains at the end of it. But I miss holding my baby in my arms, their first smile, their first laugh." She sighed and glanced across at him. She would never claim to want another child with the man she now had to call her husband, but she did wish for another child. It was a painful reality for her. Studying him, she realised that whilst she had decades left to have more, he likely didn't. She rarely felt the age difference between them but it must have been close to twenty years or more. "Do you? Miss it?" 

 

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[Atrice]

It was odd that he could care so much for her and give into her wishes of trusting her, yet... somehow... he was never sure that he really could. That she cared as much as he. Not even after their visit to the temple, with the sacrifice they made and all that. But hopefully, it would only improve, their marriage that was. They just had a fight. It was far from the first time, but they were on a more equal level now than before. And he tried hard. He even apologized to her. He couldn't take back what he did, but he could be considerate in the future. He could try, at least.

And now they were back to talking about their son, still a growing boy, he wondered if she wanted more children. She said she did miss having a small baby, but she didn't miss pregnancy or giving birth. He thought few women enjoyed that. Especially since it was actually dangerous. Many women died in childbirth or shortly after. Like his late wife. Think if he lost Charis like that too, that would be unbearable. And leave Peregrinus without a mother, just like his daughter. He felt that odd melancholy again, so it was good she spoke of children laughing and smiling. She had sat down again and he joined her while she talked. Did he miss having a small child?

"Maybe? I don't miss the crying at night." He said with a chuckle, "But you were... you are... so good with Peregrinus. And I enjoy when we're with him together." He smiled and looked at her, "I don't think I'd mind having another child with you." 

[Sara]

He was smiling at her, his voice soft. She returned the look and sighed heavily, moving her fingers to stroke across the back of his hand. "Then it's in the Gods' hands." It wasn't, it was firmly in hers. She took silphium at present - paid for out of the allowance she received and hidden away in her room. She would need to think on it, seriously  think on it. She could picture Cynane's disgust and Aia's pity if she said she was with child again, wanted to be with child again with a man who had abused her like her husband had. Another child would be a shackle around her wrist, tying her ever more permanently to him. But...Peregrinus was alone - his siblings far older than him and she was young still and likely had at least another twenty years or more in this marriage, by which points she might well be too old to mother again. 

She tried to cast the thoughts from her mind, it would take to time to decide and consider and she wished more than anything she could talk it through with her friend, her best friend. She glanced across at Tertius, her fingers moving to stroke his arm softly. "Do you think I could invite my friend Cynane around for dinner? I...know she's a slave but...thinking about children makes me think of Peregrinus' birth. She was so good to me then and I have barely seen her this year." 

 

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[Atrice]

Tertius nodded, she was right, it was out of their hands and in the hands of the gods. Of course he knew women could prevent themselves from having children, or attempt to stop a pregnancy that had already begun. But he didn't think that was something Charis would do, not considering what happened last time she tried to rid herself of a child. And if she had succeeded, they would not have Peregrinus now. So he didn't think she would do anything like that again. She was his wife now. And she was smarter than that. But if they were to have a child, the gods would choose they should have one. Then he'd have four. Who would have thought? After his late wife died and he hadn't really wanted to take another wife. But here he was with Charis. She stroked the back of his hand sweetly, then his arm and suddenly suggested inviting her friend Cynane for dinner. Tertius did recall her from Peregrinus' birth and he didn't get the best impression, but...

"If her mistress will allow her to come... if it would make you happy to see her." He felt he kind of owed her, after how upset she'd just been, now she knew that he had Silanus beaten for his offense to them. So maybe this was a way he could make it up to her. It would be odd though, to have someone else's slave over for dinner, but he wanted to show Charis that he cared and that he did try hard to trust her, "Did you think of doing this soon? It could be for Peregrinus' birthday?" 

[Sara]

He said yes! Surprise crossed her pale face briefly, quickly followed by a nervous smile. Things had been...difficult with her friend. Her closest friend. She hadn't seen her since she'd admitted her new station in life. She tried to justify it, it was hard for a slave and a freedwoman to meet but she knew that was an excuse. She was giving Cynane space but...she couldn't do that any longer. She missed her and their aimless chatter. She missed speaking her own language, and she missed her companionship. It still felt like a hole in her heart every time she thought of those early days and what she'd lost since, even if she'd also gained so much in that time. 

But Tertius continued and she blinked at him, confused. She imagined a private dinner - just the two of them. She knew her friend valued honesty and well...a large party to celebrate her son's birthday wouldn't give them much of an opportunity for that. "I was thinking just the two of us," She offered a neutrally as she could, "Would you really wish to spend our son's birthday with my slave friend?" She tried to joke. 

 

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[Atrice]

He said yes, kind of anyway. In his own way. He didn't say no to her request, though he would find it weird to sit with a slave for dinner. Charis had been with him for a dinner once too, as a slave, but that was the night Wulfric was here, and Teutus... and that didn't go so well. This would be different. Now she was his wife and she had a friend, who was still a slave. Whom she wanted to see. But it didn't feel right to deny her this, when he'd just upset her so much. He could make it up to her by allowing this dinner to happen.

Charis looked confused when he suggested it might be for Peregrinus' birthday, and then said she thought it would just be her and Cynane. Offered a good reason why it shouldn't be for Peregrinus' birthday. 

"Well, I just thought... since she was here for his birth, that the birthday might be right. But we can find another date, if you prefer." He said, still not thinking that it should just be Charis and Cynane. He wasn't sure how a slave like her would influence Charis, now that she was free and his wife, "Has she ever been to a proper dinner, you think?" Did she know how to behave? Did she even own something to wear? She was a slave. It didn't rub him the right way, this idea, but for Charis' sake, he had to agree with it.

[Sara]

She swallowed. Well fuck. She likely knew Cynane wouldn't want to see her anyway - not without coaxing and an apology for how they left things last time but...inviting Cynane to dinner with the source of their arguments was...likely beyond her friends charity. But to go back now and ask Tertius to forget it...he would realise it was something to do with him and she could not face his questioning. She sighed and nodded. "Another date. I'd like Peregrinus' birthday to be a family affair." And that broke her heart. Cynane was her family for a time. She wished she still was. 

She arched a brow at his question, still ruminating at the awkwardness that a triple-dinner would present. "She has served at them I'm sure...but...no...I doubt she has attended one besides at Saturnalia." She sighed and stroked her fingers over his arm. "And you truly wish to be present for it? To hear us chatter about dresses and the other slaves in the household and Britannia?" 

 

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[Atrice]

When Charis suggested inviting Cynane for dinner, she did not mention it should just be the two of them, so Tertius didn't assume as much. Besides, they were family. They did things together now, right? That's what husbands and wives did, when they got along. And he hoped that they did, that this little fight they just had didn't ruin things between them. But he could try and make it better at least, by allowing her this dinner. Charis said they should find another date and then Tertius wondered if Cynane had ever been to a proper dinner like what Charis was talking about. He assumed, at least, that it was a proper dinner. Charis didn't think so and then touched his arm in a caring manner, asking if he wanted to be present for it. The way she touched him and asked that question... as if she was trying to persuade him. As if she didn't want him there.

"She's a guard, I've never seen her wear a dress." Tertius commented and smirked, "So this may be a first. And I don't think I'll mind hearing about Britannia." Tertius said thoughtfully. It did however sound like she'd prefer he wasn't there and she probably wanted to chat alone with her friend, so maybe he could find an excuse to leave the dinner early on and leave them alone. Although he wasn't quite sure if he trusted Cynane. There was something off with her. 

[Sara]

Her face tightened almost imperceptibly as she defended her friend; "I would imagine wearing a dress makes it difficult to be a bodyguard..." She thought Cynane would look beautiful in one - a long flowing gown that accentuated her curves and her femininity. She would never say that to her though, just as her friend never asked her why she didn't wear breeches. She used to - once upon a time. Dresses were a fire hazard in the forge. 

So that was a very clear; I'm coming whether you want me to or not, then. She breathed a little exhale and nodded. "It's sometimes painful to talk about," She admitted - she knew he liked honesty, "But it's easy with her. She understands. Even if she was captured in a war and I was not." She swallowed. She didn't even know if she'd told Tertius what happened to her. She doubted it, she couldn't imagine that he'd care. She sighed and followed her hand softly stroking his forearm. "I'll go and speak with her, this week, if I can find the time." She had all the time in the world but she wanted to delay it as long as possible. She had absolutely no idea what she'd say. 

 

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[Atrice]

Charis mentioned it could be painful to talk about Britannia. He imagined it could. He should probably ask more into it, since she was now his wife and not his slave. When she was a slave, he'd wanted her to forget her former life, but now that she was free... it was somehow different, again. She was from Britannia, but she was also his wife and he should know about her past, shouldn't he? He knew bits and pieces, but he never really asked her. Meanwhile Charis went on about how Cynane understood her and she was even captured in war. That made sense, since she'd been a gladiatrix and now a bodyguard. She knew how to fight.

She said she'd go and talk to Cynane soon and Tertius nodded, looking at her, "You never told me how you met her. Did you know her in Britannia?" Tertius asked, now curious to learn more about his wife... and her friend.

 

[Sara]

She met his gaze as he asked and she gave a genuine, small smile followed by a heavy sigh as she turned her eyes back up to the sky and the clouds drifting past. Her fingers still trailed soothingly over his arm. Oddly, very oddly given it was him, the repetitive action brought her comfort. 

"No. I was lost...I had been here, in your house, for two weeks or so and I was sent to the market and I had no idea where to go or what to do and I couldn't find my way back here. She heard me asking for help and she was kind. Walked me back." She smiled to herself a little bit at the memory. "She's from the tribe next to mine...our people had been at war for years but all of it was forgotten when the Romans came...it's why our accents are different, anyway." Or they were to her. She couldn't fathom that they sounded similar to Tertius. 

 

[Atrice]

It was very sweet that she kept touching his arm, and now she looked up at him with a small smile, as he asked his question. She probably didn't expect him to be interested, but he decided he would and should be. His wife had a friend she was fond of. And he ought to know more about all that, both for his own curiosity and for her. So he'd understand better. Even if the friend was a slave.

She explained they didn't know each other before, but that Cynane helped her find her way home after she came to Rome. And apparently their tribes had been at war before the Romans came to their lands. Funny how people would always unite against an enemy. A common enemy of course.

"It seems very much forgotten, since you're still friends." Tertius said, "I'm glad she helped you. Getting lost in Rome can be dangerous." He added and had another thought, "You know that now, you can just pick a guard if you want to leave the house. I'd hate it if something happened to you." 

[Sara]

“She did help me. And with Peregrinus’ birth.” She let out a sigh. That Tertius had allowed her to be here for such on occasion was a kindness she hadn’t expected, but she genuinely didn’t know if she could have done it without her friend. Her support had meant everything and it’s absence in her life felt like a hole in her heart if she dwelt on it for too long.

Fortunately Tertius’ words cast her out of those thoughts and into another set. She gave him a curious look and a bemused little laugh. “I don’t need a guard with me, I know you worry but what would happen to me at the markets? Or baths?” She stroked his arm, “You don’t need to worry about me and I’m not going to ask your guards to trail me around fabric stalls. They would die of boredom, no?” And she would feel so suffocated she might choke.

[Atrice]

He nodded, he recalled how it had been very important for Charis to have Cynane there, when she was giving birth. And also how strange it had been with a slave in the house that wasn't his. And wasn't his to control either, because she was there for Charis' sake and he'd allowed it. And now Charis was free and her friend was not. It must be strange, he thought to himself. How did her friend take Charis' freedom?

But now she talked about how Cynane helped her when she was lost in Rome, he considered if she shouldn't actually have a guard with her, when she went out. But she looked at him and laughed, wondering what could happen to her. 

"Things do happen. Cynane helped you when you were lost. And then there was that other gladiatrix, who was there when you were attacked in the streets. And you also mentioned that the gladiator Alexius helped you..." Tertius did remember all of those cases she'd mentioned to him before. She got into trouble, didn't she? "Rome isn't safe, you should know that by now. Maybe not a guard. A slave then?" He would feel better if she wasn't entirely alone when she went out. Why didn't he consider this before? What if Peregrinus lost his mother and Tertius another wife? 

[Sara]

Well shit. She felt the walls moving closer and closer to her, constricting her freedoms piece by piece. She'd been given a lot since her manumission, although of course the terms of their marriage had prevented her from doing things such as taking Peregrinus out for a walk, her own movements were not heavily restricted. This, however, felt like a trap waiting to be sprung. 

"You know I find it...awkward, with the slaves now." She bit her lip. It was why she didn't have a body slave and made-do by herself or with the help of one of the girls if she really needed it. She sighed and dropped her hand from his arm, moving to fiddle with a daisy that was springing from the grass instead. "If you insist, I will find somebody." And make their life dreadfully dull. She rarely left the domus besides to visit the gardens or the city walls. She liked to peer out and imagine she was standing on the borders of the empire. "But I know how to take care of myself. I've been in Rome...what..." She swallowed at the thought, how had it been so long? "Just over three years now?" 

[Atrice]

He knew she still had a hard time adjusting to life as a freedwoman as opposed to the life of a slave. Now she was not a slave, now he wanted her to have slaves. She'd yet to find herself a body slave and he thought she ought to have one. The more she acted like a Praetor's wife, the more easy it would be for others to respect her as such. And eventually then the gossip would die out. She promised to find someone to accompany her to the market and things like that and Tertius smiled, "I'd feel better if you did. And you can put a slave to good use anyway. Make them help you carry things and stuff like that." Tertius added, hoping that might inspire her further. Although really he wasn't sure what to think after this long conversation they had. She ended up agreeing with everything he said, yet he got the idea that it wasn't because she wanted to. More because she had to. And she just asked him to trust her. 

Now she said she knew how to take care of herself and she'd been in Rome for three years, "Hasn't it been longer? It feels like longer." Tertius said thoughtfully, because his thoughts were kind of elsewhere suddenly. They'd discussed some heavy subjects... the Silanus brat, children, her friend Cynane and her own safety... "I just want you to be safe, Charis. Safe and happy here with me. I hope that's something we're both still working on." 

[Sara]

Charis bit back a laugh and managed to keep her face sweet at 'help you carry things and stuff like that', as if that was the only value a slave could bring to her life. She merely smiled softly though and let out a contemplative 'hmm'. She chose to test the boundaries though, of this slow restriction on her freedom and independence; "Would you allow me to get a slave from Britannia?" She didn't expand, but the implication that she wanted one so she could speak her own language and discuss her past, was clear. She added with a little smirk; "You seemed very happy with your last slave from there, after all." 

But the conversation drifted on and away and she sighed. It did feel longer. So much had happened, and the Charis before him now was not the same young woman who had arrived in Rome - still clinging to the name Erea - her lost husband and child and siblings. Now she was going through the motions of life. She had been a woman who always had a plan, was always active. It was difficult to reconcile that woman to who she was now; laying in her finery in the garden of an expensive house with a man like Tertius at her side. Perhaps the effects of the breakdown after her failed attempt to rid herself of her child still lingered more strongly than she thought. She have him a small smile; "I am working on it. I promise. But you have to let me be me as well." She sighed and shook her head. "I think I need a hobby or two." 

[Atrice]

Tertius wondered what she was thinking about, when she spoke of getting a slave from Britannia. They did have plenty of slaves in the house, to accompany her for walks out of the house, so this must be a body slave she was talking about. And she wanted someone she could talk secretive to, clearly, else she would not want one from Britannia. She really was testing her boundaries now, wasn't she? Well, he would be the one buying the slave, so technically, the slave would be owned by him and not her. And he could make sure the slave would let him know, if Charis wasn't honest with him about it. She tried more to persuade him, reminding of his last slave from Britannia and Tertius smiled back at her, "I was. I am." Tertius added, "You'd not be worried I'd be too happy with another one?" He said with a wink, but it was just a jest, nothing more. He'd only really cared about one slave as much as her before, and that was Anteros... and that was more than a decade ago now. Yet he too was still not forgotten. And he'd sold him. Didn't allow him too close after all. With Charis, it was different.

"Maybe I will let you have a body slave from Britannia." Tertius then added on a more serious note and had then commented that he hoped they were both still working towards a good marriage together. She promised she did consider that, but needed to be her. Freedom, he supposed, that's what she wanted. Well he didn't lend her much in the terms of their marriage, but he could allow her some. And her next idea was good, "Yes, that might be good for you. Besides the gardening and tending to Peregrinus, you should have more to do. Any ideas on what that might be?" 

[Sara]

She merely quirked up an eyebrow, her lips twitching into a smile. "I think you're plenty content with this one, and you're not a man with wandering eyes." She barely retorted. In all the years she'd been in his house, she'd never known Tertius to bed his other slaves - only ever her and Hector, and not even the latter now. She knew she was an attractive woman, now she had access to mirrors she could see herself for the first time, and Tertius' desire for control suggested he only wanted her; it's why he expended so much energy into curtailing her freedom. Right down to the 'maybe' he would let her get a British body slave. She merely kept that smile plastered on her lips. 

It fell though, at his questions and sighed with a little shake of her head. "I don't know. I like being busy, you know that..." Which was why she found herself so...listless these days. "I ran a business, our families business, when I was in Britannia. I know I can't do that here but..." She wrinkled her nose, "I don't really know what women do here..." She bit her lip and rolled to her side, her chiton falling over the curve of her waist and her hip as she propped her face into her palm. "Maybe I need to visit with some of the women of your class and...see what they spend their time doing. Do you have any ideas?" He had a wife  before, maybe he'd noted how she spent her days...

 

[Atrice]

Tertius nodded at her little smile and comment on him being content with his latest slave from Britannia, "You're right... I am plenty content with you. More than that." He added with a softness to his voice and said that she might have a body slave from Britannia. He supposed that what mattered most was that she got one, because she needed to learn how to act like the wife of a Praetor. And it would still be his slave to control. So yes, maybe she would have one. 

Then she mentioned she needed a hobby and he agreed with that, it would be good if she got something to do. She mused about what to do, maybe visiting women of Tertius' class and find out what they did.

"That's a good idea, to pay some social visits. Then they'll also see there's nothing wrong with our understanding." He wanted to call it marriage, but technically it was not that, and the other high-born women would not fully accept the idea of their marriage he thought. But she could still visit them and make them see that she was an ordinary woman, and she just wanted to do her best and learn what was right to do, "I feel we discussed what women do, before. I don't really know much about it, to be honest. I know many of the Patrician ladies work with charities and social events. But I'm not sure that would be for you?" 

[Sara]

She grimaced a little at the thought, but it was more comical than sincere; "There's see there's nothing wrong with it as long as I don't embarrass myself utterly. Some of their rules and ways of doing things," She sighed and shook her head, "It is beyond me." And it was never written down or known by even the menfolk. It was like these beautiful, ornately decorated women were born with the knowledge of how to be a good wife and mother and hostess in their heads and that no outsiders would ever fully understand it. That or it was passed on from mother to daughter and in that moment she was intensely grateful she'd had a son. She had no idea what she was doing, let alone trying to raise a daughter in a suitably patrician way. 

"Mhmm." she agreed with a sigh and let her hadn't flop down to her stomach, "We have discussed it and I've still not found something." She flicked those big doe blue eyes to Tertius' face, watching him closely. "May I ask..." She started a little more hesitantly, "What your late wife filled her days with? Antonia?" 

 

[Atrice]

Tertius watched her as she sighed and wondered if she would embarrass herself with the other fancy ladies, "But the more time you spend with them, the more rules you'll learn. Maybe you'll even make some friends? Once they see how lovely you really are." Tertius said with a smile, wanting to encourage her to spend time with the other ladies and go on social visits, so they could get used to her... and she to them. He could not properly call her his wife, but he did it anyway and by now he simply didn't care that it wasn't exactly right. She was his wife in everything but legal title. And he wanted her to be treated as such.

But she still didn't know what to do with all her time. He lay down beside her again, on his side, to watch her while she considered what to do. She then carefully asked what his late wife had done with her days.

"I... am honestly not entirely sure. She went on plenty of social visits, I know that. We had a bit of a special understanding between us, it's hard to explain. But she was and gave me everything I needed from a wife at the time." Because she was his wife, and together with others and in public, they acted like a good and perfect married couple. They never argued. They also slept together to produce an heir, which gave him his only daughter, but made him lose her. But besides that, they lived separate lives. He had his slave Anteros. She was also very fond of her own body slave, he could barely remember her name now. But they got along and married out of duty and respect for each other - they agreed to live like they did. That's why she'd been so perfect. But he wasn't quite sure that anyone else would understand what they had. He sighed by the thought of that, his marriage now was very different and he had more romantic feelings for Charis than he ever had for Antonia. It was different now.

[Sara]

She let out a sigh and nodded. "I could use some friends." She agreed. She hadn't spoken to Cynane in...far too long, nor Aia or Rufus. Teutus didn't count and things were still...uncomfortable. Who did she really have? The thought in that moment sat heavily on her like a lead weight in her belly and she let out a deep exhale. But what would she have in common with the noble ladies of Tertius' class? She didn't have their upbringing or social skills. It was only in that moment that she felt the weight of her loneliness. She tried her level best to focus on Tertius' words instead, but it didn't make her feel much better. 

He'd said something akin to that in the past, and that it was difficult to articulate. She didn't know why it made her feel inadequate - she really shouldn't care. She'd married him because it gave her son, and herself, the best chance possible in this life. But for a brief, confusing moment she felt jealousy flash hot through her blood alongside the pain of the earlier loneliness until she was left blinking up at him. "And what do you need from a wife at this time?" She asked quietly.

[Atrice]

Tertius' smile faded and was replaced with a slightly worried expression, when she sighed and said she could use some friends. So it wasn't just something he wanted for her, she wanted it too. And other friends than former slaves or actual slaves, like her friend Cynane. Tertius touched her hand gently, "We'll have to work towards that then." He said with a comforting smile, hoping it would help that she also had his support in this. And she did need to get out anyway. Soon she might need to help looking for potential husbands for Antonia, who would need a chaperone. That would be a good task for Charis. Give her something to do and focus on.

She then asked into what his late wife did as a hobby and he replied, but honestly he wasn't all that sure. And she gave him all that she could and they had a good marriage. She didn't give him a son to call his heir though. But he valued his daughter highly and loved her. And he had a son to call his heir now, so all had not been lost. Charis wondered then out loud what he needed from his wife this time. The question surprised him and how was he supposed to answer that? He kind of knew. But it was still hard to explain.

And yet... simple? "What I need from my wife... is her." He then said, "I am still hoping for a happy marriage with you. I do care about you." Tertius explained and then inhaled a small breath, because it was not often he'd come to admit these things, "More than you know, probably." Which was why he wanted then to have a happy marriage, and wanted to see her smile, and would have a brat beaten up for her... he would do this for her, and more. If only she'd let him.

Edited February 5, 2023 by Atrice

[Sara]

What I need from my wife is her. Those words sent her blood cold. She could try her best, be the pliant, trustworthy wife that Tertius expected, asked her to be, but ultimately she would still be living up to a ghost, she would still not be enough. She didn't know why the thought bothered her so much. She didn't love Tertius, how could she love a man that had hurt her so deeply, so many times? But whilst she didn't love him like she had loved her first husband, and like she loved her son, there was still something in her that drew her to the man next to her. Maybe it was their complicated, painful history? Or maybe it was merely the fact that he had given her a son, given her whole world and the older Peregrinus became, the more of his father she saw in him. 

She let out a soft sigh at his words and turned her face back to face him. "I know you do." She moved her fingers back again to stroke his upper arm, "You gave me my freedom. Twice now..." She smiled with another little sigh, "When you bought me from the slave trader even though I was broken, and when you manumitted me. If you hadn't have bought me that day I...Gods know where I'd be now. I wouldn't have our son." She tilted her face again, watching him and whether it was the loneliness pooling again across her body, or the thought of her son and what he'd gifted her, she didn't know but whatever it was, she leant up on her forearm to brush a soft kiss against his lips. 

 

TAG: @Atrice

Edited February 10, 2023 by Sara