Chaos Ensues [M]

[Sara]

You are worth it, he said. I’m not, she replied in her head but melted into his arms all the same, falling down onto his chest to curl up, letting the upset flow out of her as her sobs and shudders subsided.

“I’ve upset you…” She whispered into his neck. She’d never seen Lucius like this before. Despite all her composure when in public, she was always the one that broke down in private. Never him. “We need to be more careful next time…” She mumbled, “I-If somebody else walks in, it’s all over.”

[Chevi]

"I know." he muttered, stroking her hair. "We'll find another place. Another way..." He just wanted to hold her until she felt safe. They would have to find another way to meet, another place. Get smarter, so that no one would find out. It was a dangerous game, they had always known that. But this was a wake-up call about just how dangerous it could be.

[Sara]

“There’s nowhere else…” She protested with a little shudder and a shake of her head. She pushed herself up on his chest so she could peer down at him. The composed, almost regal young woman he’d found in the garden had been firmly replaced by a watery-eyes, splotchy-cheeked young woman who quite suddenly seemed very much the twenty year old she was. 

“We cannot meet in public, we cannot go to your domus or mine, we cannot rent a room somewhere…” She exhaled a breath. “Can…can you amend the rotas? So nobody else looks into these houses but you?”

[Chevi]

Lucius looked up at her, reaching up to stroke her cheek with his thumb. Ovinia rarely allowed herself to be a mess. And yet she was still beautiful. "I probably can. For a while. But Titus was right, I can't keep doing it for long, or it will blow back on us. And the vigiles." Lucius was an honorable man; he did stupid things for love, but he knew he shouldn't. "We'll find another way. We always have. We are here, now, right?"

[Sara]

She gave him a pained look, her mind drawing to a complete and utter blank for anywhere else to meet if they lost this place, a place that had become a genuine sanctuary for her. She let out a shuddering breath and sat back on her heels next to him, angling her cheek into his palm.

“I think it hurts so much because it felt…normal.” She whispered. Much like she rarely allowed herself to be a mess, she also rarely allowed herself to voice her feelings. She was trying to change that. “It felt like a home. Our home.” She glanced around the bedroom mournfully, “And now it’s ruined.”

[Chevi]

A home. With her. She was not only different than her own usual composed self - she was also more honest. And it made Lucius' heart shatter. She wanted a home, with him. Was that really too much to ask for? Two people, to be allowed to be together, because they loved each other? He felt the tears in his eyes again. He reached up, framing her face gently in his hands. He really didn't know what to say to that. So he just kissed her, hoping that she would understand.

[Sara]

She gave him a weak smile, trying to be cheerful as he framed her face and then he kissed her and she understood. There was absolutely nothing to say, nothing to make this any easier or any better, and so she kissed him back. Her own hand moved to thread through his tousled hair and she fell down onto his chest. 

She loved him so damn much this kiss was firmly on the border of pleasure and pain, and she deepened it - lips parting as she moaned softly against his lips. She wanted to understand everything she couldn't say; I love you, you're mine and I'm not going anywhere. 

[Chevi]

She knew. She fell against him and Lucius held her, one hand sneaking into her hair as they kissed. It was different than any of the kisses they had before. It was a decision, and an unspoken promise. Now they knew what the stakes were. They were betting their life on this. And there was no doubt in his mind, as he kissed her, that it was worth it. Damn stubborn, maddening, incredible woman. 

[Sara]

It felt…different. It had always been wonderful for her, always maddening and confusing but this felt serious in a way she couldn’t articulate and wouldn’t try to. It felt like gripping onto a life she could have had by the tips of her fingers, and she was utterly unable to let go. She wanted to haul herself up completely, into his waiting arms. She wanted only him, in every way that mattered. 

She broke the kiss with a gasp for air, still on his chest but panting heavily. Her eyes had lost that frenzied gleam and instead her face belied an odd clarity. She gripped his cheek firmly, the skin warm under her touch. “I want you. All of you.” There was no wavering in her voice, no doubts in her head. He was hers, in every way that mattered and she couldn’t keep clinging on for just the faintest parts of him anymore.

[Chevi]

The kiss was deep and loving and desperate, and Lucius lost track of anything outside the two of them. When she pulled back he gasped too, trying to catch his breath, holding her close. The look in her eyes was... different. Determined. Not desperate, not sad... not even lustful in a way he recognized. Lucius blinked, dark-eyed, looking up at her. "You mean...?" He breathed, not sure he understood right.

[Sara]

“I want you to bed me. Properly.” She clarified in a low voice, eyes moving over his face, studying him intently. Heat pooled across her skin and her breathing wasn’t going to calm down any time soon. 

Her thumb swept an arch over his cheek, keeping him where he was so she could look at his face. “I do not want some man I do not know and do not love to have my virginity.” She explained, thumb still tracing circles over his skin, “I thought it was an honour I had to save for him, whoever he is.” She swallowed but her resolve didn’t falter, “That doesn’t seem fair when the man I love is here with me now.”

[Chevi]

Lucius looked at her, lips parted in disbelief. Just when they had realized how dangerous it all was, how it could ruin, kill both of them... she suggested crossing the one line they still had. And doing something irrevocably, colossally stupid.

Gods, he wanted to do it.

He had no words. It should have been an easy decision. No. No way. And yet, he couldn't bring himself to say it. It was impossible. With her, looking at him like she was, clear and determined. All the feelings threatening to overwhelm him.

In the end, he decided to make up his mind later. He leaned in, kissing her deeply, and rolled her over onto her back.

[Sara]

FTB

---

"How are you feeling love?"

His words floated into her mind, but they were fuzzy and distant as if he was calling from another room. She blinked, trying to clear her vision and settle the frantic beating of her heart which felt as if it was going to explode from the chest he was currently resting against. 

How was she feeling? She didn't know how to answer that question. She should have felt enough guilt that it made her sick. She had done it - something she should have never done. She had given Lucius her virginity, something drummed into her from childhood that should only belong to her husband. She had dishonoured that man - whomever he was - by giving it to Lucius instead. She should have felt wracked with that guilt but...she didn't. She didn't even feel anxious - although she was sure that would come later. There wasn't even any pain, not really. She was a little sore between her thighs but nothing comparable to the hushed, tearful words her friends had spoken about after their wedding days. She suspected the unbelievably intense climax had helped with any pain she might have expected to feel. 

How are you feeling love? 

"I feel..." she searched for the word, peering down at him. A small, soft smile that was just for him drifted across her lips. "Complete." Her fingers moved to stroke his face, pushing hair from his forehead and running her fingers through it. "I...don't feel guilty." She breathed. "I don't feel pain." 

 

[Chevi]

Lucius' head was swimming. He new guilt was bound to come crashing down sooner or later, but for now, he was still wrapped in bliss from what happened, how perfect it felt. He shifted, lying down at her side, and looked over her, hand tracing her thighs. She looked... comfortable. Happy. Glowing, in a way he had not seen before.

"You're not bleeding" he noted, looking at the two of them, a little surprised.

[Sara]

She angled her thigh into his hand, exhaling a deep shuddering breath, trying to settle the remnants of her furious heartbeat. She felt utterly boneless and weightless where she had expected the crushing leaden weight of guilt to be sitting over her. It was…confusing. 

“Hm?” She tried to drag her thoughts back to the present and to him. She glanced down at herself and shifted to look at the sheet and then him. She blinked, utterly confused and a hint of panic was starting to creep into her eyes as she flicked them back to his face. She knew very little, but she knew pain and some blood was to be expected. “I…is there something wrong with me?”

[Chevi]

Lucius was somewhat confused. He had not taken anyone's virginity before (and he should not have done it now), but he had a vague idea of what it was supposed to be like. Then again, he also had a vague idea that being with Ovinia was... very different from what most people did on their wedding night. He shook his head, pressing a kiss to her temple.

"I don't think so?... I'm glad I didn't hurt you." He wrapped an arm around her waist. "You were... more than ready."

[Sara]

She exhaled a deep breath, nodding and shifting closer so her head was buried against his chest, legs tangled with his and heartbeat gently slowing back to a normal rythym. 

“I can’t believe I did it…” She murmured, fingers lazily stroking the arm that held her waist. There wasn’t sadness or anxiety in her voice, just confusion. How had Ovinia - good girl, lover of rules and order and duty, done this? What had happened to her?

[Chevi]

Lucius wrapped her in his arms, holding her close, keeping the warmth and comfort between them as long as he could. He pressed another kiss to her forehead. What they had done... was reckless. Dangerous. Incredibly stupid. But it didn't, at all, feel wrong.

"I love you." he murmured, hand stroking her hair. "I'm glad we did it."

[Sara]

“Me too.” She whispered, as if worried about saying it any louder and the Gods would strike her down for it. They had rules on chastity for a reason. One of which…three…two…one…

“I…I can’t get pregnant can I?” She didn’t move beyond gripping his arm so tightly she was afraid it would bruise. “It’s not possible…you…left me…?” Her heart was starting up its frantic rhythm again. It hadn’t even occurred to her.

[Chevi]

"You won't." Lucius told her in a soothing voice; he could feel her tense up as the thought occurred to her. For a moment, his heart jumped too. They had been too close to risking that. "I was careful." She knew how it worked, at least. And he did not want to cross that one last line to risking her.

[Sara]

She exhaled deeply. You won’t. She hoped not because she could mask other things…she could wed on her monthly bleed, or knick her inner thigh with a knife before the bedding but a pregnancy…that was not going to be concealed or hidden. “Thank you.” She tugged his arm closer and returned to burying herself against his neck. 

She was silent for some time, thoughts drifting through her mind before she pushed them out again. Eventually when she broke the silence her words had a quiet tinge of sadness to them. “I couldn’t take a wedding ring from you,” She murmured quietly, “But I could give you this. Give us this. You…are the most important person in my life, Lucius. I wanted you to have this, to show you how much I love you. How much I trust you.”

[Chevi]

"Give me?" he smiled softly. He never thought about it like that... her words made him feel warm. He held her closer. He never thought he would love anyone like this. "I wanted to do this... I wanted this, for you. So that you would have your first time like you should." She deserved to be loved. Cherished. "I... kept thinking about you being married... it was killing me, to think that your first time would be... bad. With a stranger. I wanted to give you the love you deserve."

[Sara]

She felt like she would cry, and only managed to reign it in through a shuddering breath and a closer grip on him, her fingers splaying across his waist. 

"It was perfect." She whispered, keeping her voice quiet and contemplative still. She loosed another breath and adjusted her head against his neck. "It changes so much." She added, swallowing down what felt like a mountain of grief. "And I still have to marry." Because despite everything, despite all the rules and laws they had broken, she could not turn her back on her family and that duty. She wanted to be a mother, she wanted to keep her friends in her life and she wanted to her duty to the Empire. She could do none of that by running away. And despite being an inherently selfish person, she knew she could not ask Lucius to do so either. He had given up everything for his career, to help others and his offer to run to Egypt she knew, was sincere, but she couldn't take that from him. She knew she was not worth it.

[Chevi]

"I know. I know, love." he murmured, stroking her hair. They couldn't stay forever. Their time was short, and this place was not their home. But he was determined to have every last moment he could have, with her. And he was still feeling no regret. "But we'll always have this. We belong together."

[Sara]

We belong together. 

Society, everybody disagreed but she knew in her bones he was right. This wasn’t just lust, it wasn’t just infatuation, it was something deeper, something more.

“We’ll always have this.” She agreed. A bond that could never be undone or broken. “Maybe one day things will change for us.” She whispered against his neck, not daring to say it louder. If she didn’t have hope it would, she didn’t know what she’d do. She was facing a life hanging from the arm of a Senator she didn’t know. She needed more than that. She knew it was selfish and one day she needed to cut him loose, but right then in that safe haven in his arms, she could think of nothing but some rosy future where they could be together. 

“Can we go to the gardens…or a festival…or a library?” Their world had become this domus, this room. She needed more to keep that hope alive.